Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. I can't help but think back to two Easters ago, when we moved into Birch House on Easter weekend. The boys had an egg hunt a day late and all seemed right in the world.
Today, things are not so perfect. Things are broken, and confusing, and downright scary. My perfect vision for our family has been ripped out from under me and I am not prepared for the emotions (plus pregnancy hormones!) that have replaced it. Some days I feel determined; some days angry. Today I felt sad. I just grieved for a lot of things that are lost forever. The rain egged me on. Every time a sad thought consumed me, I'd see that rain falling down...that gloomy sky...and the tears would start.
I know it's good for the soul, though, and grieving is only necessary. When I told God I couldn't take any more, when the feeling of devastation overwhelmed me and I just wanted to crumple in a ball and give up, when the boys wouldn't stop fighting...at the very end of the day, that's when he sent someone in my path to give me hope. It was like a ray of sunshine. Sometimes we all need to know that even in the terrible, consuming darkness, we are never alone. We have to keep pushing forward, baby step by baby step, tear by tear, and start over. It won't be easy. I wonder, When will I wake up feeling joyful again? When will this feeling, or that feeling, return? I don't know. But tonight, about a million tears later, I have hope.
(Dyeing eggs at Ninny's)
(Local Easter egg hunt)
